Friday, November 7, 2008

A dozen months down...

Hard as it is for me to believe, today our dossier for the child we affectionately refer to as, "mei mei" has been logged in one year. The other day my friend Diana asked me if the time has gone fast or slow. In all honesty, the time has flown by. It seems like no sooner had I written an update on this blog marking and trying to celebrate a month down, it was time to write another update. (Yep, I missed last month. There are only about two or three readers of this blog, so I figured they'd understand.) Life is whizzing by and I am often reminded of the words of a hymn I sung growing up, "Swiftly we're turning life's daily pages, swiftly the hours are turning to years..." So, it would seem like the fact that time is going by quickly would be cause for celebration. I have to be honest; it isn't. The fact that time is going by so quickly is also what pains me.

Please understand, I don't mean to be morbid, pessimistic, or sound terribly pathetic. I am a realist whose emotions run very deep and often very differently than those around me. The reality is that with each passing day, the face of our family changes as well as the dynamic I had hoped for. For example, Lindy is getting older--in fact she'll be three and a half years old TOMORROW. My hopes for two little girls about three years apart give or take is more realistically going to be much more than that. Another example is that it looks like I could be nearing "the change" and changing my own child's diapers at the same time. Again, not what I envisioned. There are many other examples of why the passage of time affects my thought process, but I don't want to utter them...

I know this probably sounds very whiny and I don't mean to whine. I probably wouldn't say much if I had a glimmer of some good, promising news regarding this process. The fact is, I don't. Our paperwork is beginning to expire and we're now going through the efforts to renew things, such as a home study which will take place next week. This probably won't be the last time we have to go through the update process, either. Season after season, I pack away Lindy's clothes and shoes and wonder when I will see our next daughter wear these well-cared for hand-me-downs. I used to think it would be late 2009 or early 2010. Now I don't even think it will be in 2011. An online referral predictor calculator tells me we won't receive a referral until September 2015.

Why so long? I just don't know. No one does, except God. While I can't explain the process at all, I do know some things about God. I know His hand is in the process and He has a master plan that is much better than my planning abilities. I also know He is faithful and won't desert me. I know He wants me to be patient and longsuffering and trust Him. He is using this period of waiting to stretch me and cause me to be more reliant on Him. I am not the first person He's put through a period of waiting and I won't be the last.

When I started this blog, I had no idea this journey would be as long as it appears it will be. I very simply intended to journal my feelings, share fun and exciting milestones, and document our journey. When I think about continuing to publicly document my feelings and emotions about this process on a routine basis, it seems kind of scary being so honest and vulnerable. I wouldn't want my disappointments, lack of hope or faith, or discouragement to cause anyone to lose faith in their own personal walk or negatively impact someone who might be considering adoption. I have decided to leave this blog dormant, for now, and forego my monthly posts. If a milestone or something newsworthy occurs, I will most certainly post.

If this is the only blog of mine you read, you are welcome to come visit Lindy's blog or our family blog for more regular, happier posts.

Last but definitely NOT least, I ask that you pray. Please pray for all the families who are traveling the road of adoption. If people aren't sure what to do, how to proceed, whether to wait or change course, I ask that you pray for God to give them wisdom and direction for what is best for each particular circumstance. I also ask for you to pray for the children. There are millions of orphans in this world needing forever families.

Thank you for your love, support, and kindess.


T. said...

You three, and your beloved Mei Mei are in our prayers...I read....and hope/pray each month with you.

Lindy's a great girl, a WONDERFUL girl...she'll make a great big sister.

A positive thought: my girls are 7 years apart. For all the psychobabble about an 'optimal' age...I like the larger gap. One is old enough to teach the other. One is young enough to still need the support of the other. You aren't dealing with 'duelling banjos' of traits/needs/habits. You've mastered one thing before moving on to the next, and as such...the next one will be less of a shock (in SOME ways--they are all different).

I have often wondered how moms with babies that come like raindrops; one right after the other, manage. On one hand you have the needy, clingy toddler, and on the other the helpless infant. I much prefer the 'operating room' method of having the elder child at my side to help with "find the binky..." or "I am out of diapers, run downstairs to the pantry and get the new box..." You can't do that if they are so close you haven't left one stage for another.

Keep this image in your mind if it helps at all: Lindy, able to read, curled up in a blanket reading to her mei mei. Lindy- able and willing to teach, sitting on the couch with a book or a toy, showing her younger mei mei how it's done, because her mommy did such a good job with her--and she's proud to pass it on.

Hang in there. :) We're rooting for you.

Tamra said...

Your faith is powerful and your strength is profound. You can do it, because He's standing beside you. Love you, sweet friend. The prayers keep going up....

Chris said...

I hear you and my heart goes out to you!!! We are still logged in as well and believe it could be a while, which at this point we don't mind!! Here's a crazy thought, maybe you could throw another adoption into the mix as we did. I know it is not everyone's dream, but I can say from our experience what joy it has brought to our family during the wait.
As far as the girls being farther apart in age, when we started we thought Caitlin would be within 2-3 years from her little sister. As God has chosen it they are over 4 years. I trust with all my heart that He knew what was best for Caitlin's personality and not just my desires. Now seeing them in action I am so happy it turned out this way. Girls can be so competitive. Instead of fighting with Helena, she enjoys helping her little sister! Maybe that is what God has in store for you as well. Time will tell.
Just know you are in our thoughts and prayers and if you ever would like to chat give us a call!!! You are not alone!!!
Sending hugs and prayers your way!

KMA said...

You are not whining and I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Please do not feel bad or guilty for sharing your feelings. I so hope you find comfort in sharing them because others reach out to you and that Gods arms are felt around you. That those who know you will comfort and pray with you as well as help you through those harder moments. That those who have been through something similar will share their ups and downs with you so you will know you are Not alone and that you are loved and deserving because you are a wonderful woman, mother, wife, friend and christian. I so wish that we would not have to go through trials in our lives but then where would we be? I hope this journey is not as long as it looks and that some miracle or hope will occur soon for you guys.

Jenn said...

Thinking about you today!

Praying for you and whatever God has planned for your sweet family!


Ginny said...

Dear Lisa,

You've written so beautifully exactly what's on my heart, too. Some days are so hard. I don't understand why the wait has to be so long. Some days I wonder if we're even on the right road, but I couldn't bear to not be on it either. I'm just hanging onto God's promises to guide and direct us, and that He loves us, and that this wait is not meant to hurt us but, indeed, it's meant to help us and somehow to make us more like Him. I'm finding that with each passing day I have to let go a little more of the way I imagined my family and surrender a little more to His plans. But, I know that He will prove Himself faithful. I've been listening to Sarah Groves sing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" (an adaption) and there's one part that goes, "I cannot remember a trial or a pain, He did not recycle to bring me gain." Hang on, my friend. I will continue to pray with you.


Amanda said...

It seems to me that you have more than two or three readers of this blog. I don't know why other people read it, but I know why I do. I have never been where you are so I can't begin to imagine how you feel, but reading about it in your own words gives me something specific to pray for. When I read your posts on this blog, I am motivated to pray for your specific needs and not just a general prayer for the adoption process.

I wouldn't by any means want this to be a source of a pain for you. If it hurts you to write on this blog than by all means, take a break, but please don't think that the things you say here are ever a detriment to anyone else. I don't see lack of faith when I read your posts, I hear the depth of your faith and dependence on a loving father even when you don't understand his ways.

I will continue to pray for you each night and I will continue to check the blog for updates. I know that God has a reason for the wait and that he is preparing the perfect baby just for you!

Much love!

Anne Elliott said...

The other posters have said it so well. We're thinking of you at your year milestone. Another day closer to bringing her home! Thanks for sharing. The speaker at my MOPS said a couple of weeks ago that noone relates to the super mom who has everything together and is on top of it all. It's when we open up and share our fears and wants that we truly connect with our friends and establish the support systems that we need. 1 Cor 2:3-5. "I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power." You're resting on God's power, and he works everything for good for those that love him.

Cammie said...

I have been, and will continue to pray. :)

sheila said...

I know that you do not know it and I know I haven't said it to you, but you and your lovely family have been in my prayers from the first time I heard about Mei Mei. Those prayers will continue and God Bless you and Don and Little Lindy!

Heather said...

We so pray for Mei Mei when we pray for all of you...I totally understand your post and wish that I could make it different, though if God's plan is to teach you something important on this pathway, then changing it would rob you of the joy of that lesson(s). Just know how many times we pray for the China program, for all families awaiting their precious, my dear friend are n a journey we do not nderstand, but I will stay the course by your side and love you all the way.


Chris said...

Hang in there Lisa!! God has big plans for you, Don and Lindy! Trust and know there is a little girl, a little sister for Lindy that God is designing for your family. I know I have said this before, but as we realized during the wait, God had us take a detour to ET during our wait. If you and Don would ever consider it, as you already know the joy of adopting, I would be glad to share our story with you!!! Anytime, really!!!
Thinking and praying for you and yours!!

sara said...

Oh, Lisa - I know it is cliche to say hang in there - but God knows. He holds mei mei in the palm of His hand!!!