Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Disillusioned, down, discouraged, disappointed, devastated but not deserted

The title of this post is how I feel regarding this journey. I'm not sure many people read this blog but I want to capture some of my thoughts on virtual paper for the future.

In late November we received some information that helped us have a bit of a clearer picture as to how many families were ahead of us (with our agency). All of a sudden, Don and I had a revival of hope and we decided to pray this baby home in 2010. We believed it could and would happen in 2010 and projects concerning a nursery for baby girl and transitioning Lindy to a new room seemed potentially more pressing than they have in the past. I felt like an expectant mother (in my third year of gestation) and was happily thinking pink. The dreaming and excitement was fun while it lasted!

Not long after our new found excitement--December 8th to be exact--we received an email from our agency which contained some very discouraging news informing us we could be looking at potential delays of six to eight months (in addition to the built in wait time). In a word, I was devastated.

We have had two group conference calls with our agency and one individual call with our case worker but we still don't have much information as it appears things are still unfolding for them. We are supposed to have another conference call in February. Bottom line is that we (along with all the other waiting families) are victims of some red tape. When you hear words and phrases like "restructure," "regroup," "examine processes," you know things can't be great. I won't bore you with all the details that we know but I don't think it is realistic that we will bring home our daughter this year.

This past month hasn't been easy for me emotionally. Everything that seemed right has now caused me pain and has me feeling disillusioned. I know God holds the answers and knows how the story goes and He wants me to trust him, no matter what. I know He hasn't deserted us, nor will He. I just wish I felt stronger and more confident about things and my ability to endure.

As I write this, I really don't know what to write. As I pray, I really don't know what to pray. I guess our prayer is really the same that we one day (sooner than later) will have a beautiful, healthy baby girl to add to our family. However, we also desire clarity and peace in the process.

Many of you who have walked the adoption journey have experienced the kind of heartbreak we're dealing with right now, others have experienced disappointment in other areas of life. No matter what your story, thank you for the support you've shown and prayers you've offered. We truly appreciate them.

I will continue to provide updates as I hear them.

Hanging on by a thin red thread~