Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Disillusioned, down, discouraged, disappointed, devastated but not deserted

The title of this post is how I feel regarding this journey. I'm not sure many people read this blog but I want to capture some of my thoughts on virtual paper for the future.

In late November we received some information that helped us have a bit of a clearer picture as to how many families were ahead of us (with our agency). All of a sudden, Don and I had a revival of hope and we decided to pray this baby home in 2010. We believed it could and would happen in 2010 and projects concerning a nursery for baby girl and transitioning Lindy to a new room seemed potentially more pressing than they have in the past. I felt like an expectant mother (in my third year of gestation) and was happily thinking pink. The dreaming and excitement was fun while it lasted!

Not long after our new found excitement--December 8th to be exact--we received an email from our agency which contained some very discouraging news informing us we could be looking at potential delays of six to eight months (in addition to the built in wait time). In a word, I was devastated.

We have had two group conference calls with our agency and one individual call with our case worker but we still don't have much information as it appears things are still unfolding for them. We are supposed to have another conference call in February. Bottom line is that we (along with all the other waiting families) are victims of some red tape. When you hear words and phrases like "restructure," "regroup," "examine processes," you know things can't be great. I won't bore you with all the details that we know but I don't think it is realistic that we will bring home our daughter this year.

This past month hasn't been easy for me emotionally. Everything that seemed right has now caused me pain and has me feeling disillusioned. I know God holds the answers and knows how the story goes and He wants me to trust him, no matter what. I know He hasn't deserted us, nor will He. I just wish I felt stronger and more confident about things and my ability to endure.

As I write this, I really don't know what to write. As I pray, I really don't know what to pray. I guess our prayer is really the same that we one day (sooner than later) will have a beautiful, healthy baby girl to add to our family. However, we also desire clarity and peace in the process.

Many of you who have walked the adoption journey have experienced the kind of heartbreak we're dealing with right now, others have experienced disappointment in other areas of life. No matter what your story, thank you for the support you've shown and prayers you've offered. We truly appreciate them.

I will continue to provide updates as I hear them.

Hanging on by a thin red thread~


Shawna McCabe said...

Hey, sweet friend. Thanks for sharing this from your heart. I am praying for you now and will continue to do so as often as God brings you to my heart. I am glad you are clinging to your red thread and more importantly to the promise that God has a plan and a hope to give you a bright future. He's got all the details in his hands. In the meantime I think it is okay to feel discouraged and disappointed. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel that way.

I am grateful that God has brought you and your family into the life of the McCabes, and I will gladly pray and talk and walk and hold you up through this and any other time you need it.

Love you, shawna

KMA said...

Lisa and Don,
Oh how my heart breaks for you all. It is so hard to find the words that will help you ease your fears, pain, and frustration. I know this personally because of our situation. Although it is not the same we pray for the same outcome. You are in my prayers. God is with you. He shines through you all. Your journey is not over. You have been through so much and you will come through this too. Hang onto your faith, family and friends - we will help.
I agree that it is okay to have rough days where it all seems to be wrong. Please call me if you need anything. I would be honored to help or talk. Many hugs!!!

Jill said...

Hi Lisa~

I am so sorry y'all are going through this long process. I will pray for your family, you, and your sweet little girl waiting for you. I will pray that the process will speed up and you get to meet your girl sooner than later. God can do BIG things and he loves to surprise us.

Yes, I would love to get together soon. I'll email you.

Love you and praying for you,

Tamra said...

Words don't always seem adequate. I am thankful, in those times especially, that the Spirit articulates our groanings and that God knows our hearts.

I pray for you often, and for the child who will be forever yours. Keep feeling and fighting your way through this; He is with you and so are so many others.

Love you, my sweet friend.

Jenn said...

Oh Lisa...

Please know that I am praying for you!!! I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you, but I believe that it won't change at all how you are feeling and it wouldn't be anything I believe you don't already know. When it's all said and done, you'll look back and understand it all. Until then...it's so very hard.

Big hugs and prayers for you!


Jcbaron99 said...

Praying always for you.....love you.

myra said...

Sweet Lisa,

I just cannot imagine the heartache you feel. And I am so, so sorry that you and Don and Lindy are having to go through this.

I pray that God will bring you good news soon.


Mei Mei s and Mayhem said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

{HUGS} to you. I cant believe we waited for 3 1/2 years for our Ava. I know the pain you are going through and how your heart aches!!

I pray you hear some answers soon!!

cristie said...

Praying for you, Lisa! Praying the Lord will speak to you soon about HIS plan! The hardest thing is knowing in your heart that it is HIS timing and yet in our flesh ... wanting that baby - those answers - NOW! No words and no wisdom from any of us following your journey could ever take away your disappointments, discouragement and frustrations ... but I do hope that you can feel in the midst of all of that, the hope that comes from each of us lifting your family in prayer! One day we will see his glory ... one day, we will see his works!

The Oswalds said...

Praying for you and think of you often. Continue to keep us posted on things and how we can pray. Sometimes God likes to work with the seemingly, "unrealistic"! Praying that for you!

The Byrd's Nest said...

I didn't even know about this blog...thanks Lindy for telling me!

I know that you and I have shared some e-mails about this...I continue to pray for His will in your family. I have been praying for a CLEAR answer from Him. I love you.

kim0943 said...

Lisa, I'm right there with you! Hoping and praying our little girls come home soon. Yesterday at church someone described encourage as being enfused with courage! I am praying that you (and I) are enfused with courage as we wait, hope and trust in the God that holds it ALL in His hands!
Love, Kim

The Byrd's Nest said...

How are you my friend? I can never get your e-mail to work. Just wanted you to know that I am praying and thinking about you so much these days. I don't know if the Lord has spoken anything new to you yet but I am praying He will very soon. Big hugs and love you bunches.

Shay Ankerich said...

Dear Lisa,
I could have written that same post. We are dealing with the wait too. I think me turning 45 in a couple of weeks has put such an urgency on the situation. We have heard a clear call from God to switch to SN. I prayed for Him to speak to me and He did. I will be praying for you and hope you will pray for us too.

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To The Moon and Back said...

Lisa, I know exactly how you are feeling right now. We have been LID since 9/4/07 and we do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Today has been a very emotionally difficult day for me. We have a bio daughter who will turn 8 in less than a month. It's hard to believe she was not 5 when we started this process. She cries often for her little sister and continually asks me when she's coming home.

I pray I have the strength to continue waiting, but based on current timeline, I do not see us renewing for a second time.

Michelle said...

I am so sorry I am just now reading this and even more sorry about the news of further delays. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and frustration you must be feeling. You and Heather would know the perfect thing to say, yet the perfect words escape me. I can just offer my love and prayers. And friend, please know you have that.

Love and hugs,